Rumour Monkey #11

The Rumour Monkey takes a look back on his past rumours.

Welcome loyal Rumour Monkey followers, casual readers, and just plain ole’ NZG fans, to another edition of the Rumour Monkey.

Well 2005 just seemed to fly by, and now we are plonked into the start of twenty o' six. Today we will review the best and worst rumours of 2005, as well as some upcoming predictions for the year ahead. A change is as good as a holiday they say, so pack that sun-block and two dollar wide-brim hat and come on vacation with gaming’s favourite animal columnist, the Rumour Monkey.

BEST OF 2005:

From the juicy little tid-bits that left fan-boys hanging, to the traffic stopping rumours of the day, 2005 was all up a very good year when it came to the big rumours. Here’s four of the best:

Rumour: The Xbox 360 will be released in New Zealand in March 2006.

Monkey Says: Well, cha-ching! Whatever I was on back then, I need more of it if I’m going to be a success in 2006. I originally went round the NZG staff to get thoughts on my prediction and was met with replies such as, “who’s Xbox?” and “360 what?”.

Safe to say that NZG HQ wasn’t that much assistance on that one. Easily my rumour of the year.

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Rumour: Rugby League 2 will not initially be released on Xbox.

Monkey Says: After the months of silence and thread locking that plagued the Sidhe boards, this one became a no-brainer. And although this wasn’t the only stab that I had at Sidhe, it was the sweetest.

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Rumour: The Xbox 360 will be unveiled in an MTV special.

Monkey Says: From the outset it was easy to see that the 360 were going in to the mainstream market, as this is where the biggest market share is, even a drunken monkey knows that. But by going pop culture and spreading their new system all over MTV, Microsoft immediately took a big lead in the next-gen console war. Forget the year of the dog; this could be the year of the white box.

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Rumour: The Nintendo Revolution will be completely unveiled at the Tokyo Game Show on September 16.

Monkey Says: Although not entirely unveiled at the show, enough of the system was shown to raise more than fan-boys' eyebrows. But before this goes too downhill, let me just say four words: the Revolution is coming.

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WORST OF 2005:

Seldom am I wrong - yesterday was the first time, I think - but 2005 had some absolute stinker rumours. Here’s just a small platter of them (served up with extra Monkey dung, to emphasise their insignificance).

Rumour: The Nintendo Revolution will feature 3D projection.

Monkey Says: Yeah yeah, laugh all you want. But how would you feel being a full-time father to eight gerbils, plus pimping 3 foxes every single night. That’s what I thought. No need to say that this was a total crapper of a rumour.

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Rumour: The Nintendo DS has Rumble Pak capabilities.

Monkey Says: Arrgh - I have to admit defeat on this one, but I’ll live to fight another day. Viva La Rumour Monkey!

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Rumour: Sony PSP to be released locally in late March.

Monkey Says: Hahaha, what a funny monkey I am. You all didn’t think I was serious, did you? If I were to say I had the NZG staff held hostage in a bunker in Lower Hutt, you all wouldn’t believe me would you? Yes, that’s what I thought. Now excuse me a minute while I sharpen this knife against Dan N’s head….

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Rumour: The almighty Fifth-Lord Daniel Ohs is to cease writing the Rumour Monkey after this edition.

Monkey Says: What a crock this was! If you all knew the true story behind this then you’d say what a… (Clunk) Oh, Mayur, you big tough guy with a baseball bat, so you think you can... (Thud).

Hmm, maybe Monkey was on to something? Was this all one big conspiracy by NZG? Are we actually controlling your minds with secretive telepathy, and making you forward your pocket money to a religious cult whose primary aim is to wax Jenny Shipley’s legs?

Well, you're still reading this column. You figure it out.

That’s another edition of the Rumour Monkey in the books. Hopefully next time we’ll see Monkey out of intensive care and back on that rusty typewriter, firing off gaming rumours wildly. He may miss the mark from time to time, but we pay him below minimum wage - what do you expect?