I can handle a lot of crap when it comes to games. A lot. But LocoCycle’s opening scene was one of the most racist, sexist, poorly written, badly filmed, and woefully acted things I’ve ever seen. And I’ve been to a lot of 48 hours movie competitions.

The awful story sections (oddly filmed in live action) could be ignored if it wasn’t for awful gameplay. Seriously awful gameplay.

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Think Outrun, from the old arcade games, but you’re a sentient motorcycle (called I.R.I.S.), and there’s a poor Mexican guy (Pablo) you’re dragging behind you while he yells out things in Spanish. Sometimes, you’ll be attacked and need to either shoot guns, or mash buttons. Mashing buttons isn’t the exciting bit. That’s when you do some sort of motorcycle kung fu.

It’s more or less just punch, ranged hit, and counter (done when prompted on screen.) It gets repetitive pretty quickly. Other bad guys are dispatched using guns or by using the counter ability. Other than that you just… drive. If you’re lucky there might be a quicktime event for you to get through.

LocoCycle is based on pretty much every movie from the 80s through to the mid 90s, but even Short Circuit (another movie where a weaponised robot gains sentience after being struck by lightning, before saving Ally Sheedy) made basic sense and kept its racial stereotyping to a minimum. I don’t know if Ally Sheedy is in this game, because frankly I couldn’t stand playing it for long stretches.

I suppose the biggest kick in the nuts from this game was that it took 4GB off my data cap.

I can't think of anything else to say about it, so here's some pictures.

"Makes Ghostrider (the Nicholas Cage version) look good"
- LocoCycle
Follow Own it? Rating: PG   Difficulty: Easy   Learning Curve: 5 Min


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Comments Comments (6)

Posted by Coddfish
On Tuesday 25 Feb 2014 3:49 PM
This review might be the only good thing to come of LocoCyle. Great read, Hadyn! :D
Posted by nenz
On Tuesday 25 Feb 2014 8:05 PM
"Makes Ghostrider (the Nicholas Cage version) look good" Definitely won't get it haha.
Posted by Bappernz
On Wednesday 26 Feb 2014 3:16 AM
thanks for the heads up NZG this game will be a skip for me
Posted by rocketman12
On Wednesday 26 Feb 2014 3:07 PM
What were the game developers thinking I cry !
Posted by ActualTats
On Wednesday 26 Feb 2014 10:02 PM
3.5... Ouch!
Posted by Maverick
On Thursday 27 Feb 2014 10:50 PM
Sounds terrible, nice review though