Burnout CRASH!


By: Hadyn Green    On: Apple iOS
Published: Thursday 5 Jul 2012 3:00 PM
 
 
 
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So I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here. I’m driving this pick-up (well it’s following my finger on the screen) and I know I’m supposed to smash it into stuff like other cars for points. But when I do, my pickup just becomes a wreck. So I can’t drive it anymore. All I can do is flick it a little.

I flick it a little and it moves a short distance and hits other cars or buildings or planes or whatever else is lying around. Or sometimes it doesn’t move at all. And then there’s this meter that fills up at arbitrary speeds (faster if you hit things) and when it fills up you blow up and fly off, only to start the odd swiping process again. And the whole time a man is yelling at you over increasingly loud casino noises.

Thus I have described the gameplay of Burnout CRASH! for the iPad. It is confusing at best and boring at worst. According to the official blurb the game has three modes: “Race against the clock in Rush Hour, stop traffic and cause huge disasters in Road Block – or indulge your pyromaniac tendencies in Pile-Up!” An exclamation point is not needed in that sentence as the three modes are essentially the same thing.

This game reminded me a lot of rag doll mini-games from various console titles like the “insurance scam” mini-game in Saints Row The Third. But these usually have a greater level of control. Burnout CRASH! just seems so randomised. And this randomness would be fine if it was just a “how many things can you blow up game”... but sadly, it’s not.

To progress, or obtain new roads and new cars, you need stars. You get stars by doing the five tasks each level sets you. So that means you have to do specific things with fairly erratic controls. And if you’re curious about how the game mechanics work, say for example a simple question like “does tapping or swiping the car increase the Burnout meter?” - you’ll have to pray the game gives you a tip at the start as there is no “how to play” section. The best thing might be that Burnout CRASH! doesn’t keep bugging you to buy stars to upgrade. But then again you’ve already spent $5 on it.

While there is some basic fun in blowing things up, random explosions make this game feel like it’s trying really hard to get Michael Bay to notice it. The only time I was happy playing the game was when I recognised a cover of The Primatives’ Crash was playing in the background.


The Score

Burnout CRASH!
"If you don’t slow down, you’re gonna crash. "
3.0
Awful
Rating: G   Difficulty: Medium   Learning Curve: 15 Min

 

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