Five Ways to Get Excited About GTA IV

By Angus Deacon, Liam O'Connor, Tristan Clark

Five sure fire ways to hype yourself up.

You may think you're already pretty excited about GTA IV - but you'd be wrong. What we've got here are five full-proof suggestions that'll really get you in the right frame of mind for the launch of the game at the end of the month. Just don't come running to us if/when any or all of these suggestions go horribly wrong.

1. Watch Eastern Promises

With the main antagonist in GTA IV, Niko Bellic, being connected to the Russian Mafia, there are a couple of ways to get into character. The first one is to drink so many Vodka shots that you actually think you can speak fluent Russian, before collapsing into a big pile of Russian Dolls. But the best way is to run out and hire the 2007 movie "Eastern Promises", staring Viggo Mortensen and Naomi Watts.

Although the movie is set in London, England rather than America, it offers a brilliant insight into the dark, seedy underground world of the Russian Mafia. The film follows the mysterious and ruthless Nikolai (played by Mortensen), who is tied to a notorious organized crime family from Eastern Europe. For 100 minutes you will be blessed with under-aged prostitution, extreme body disposal, brutal hairdressers and a naked Viggo fighting off two men in a bath house. It doesn't get much more raw than this. The only place this movie loses points is Naomi Watts' poor acting ability (nothing unusual there) and a tad too much male genitalia.

For Bonus Points: Replay the naked bath house scene in slow motion and play a drinking game (with vodka, of course) to have a shot everytime you see balls. The idea is to get so drunk that your eyes can't make out the TV anymore...

2. Ride Some Bumper Cars

A large part of Grand Theft Auto is getting sweet rides and driving them really fast – usually into stuff. Of course, doing this in real life is: A) illegal; B) rather stupid. You’re likely to kill yourself and other people. The speed limit is there for a reason, okay?

However, bumper cars (or dodgems for any Yanks reading) are a perfect way to get your high-speed thrills, GTA style. To hype yourself up for GTA IV, why not get a bunch of your mates down to your local bumper cars arena, team up into divisions of cops and robbers, and simulate a high-speed getaway where the best way to neutralise a threat is to smash into it like some drunken kamikaze pilot?

For Bonus Points: Create a playlist on your iPod that includes the best of the previous radio stations featured in GTA games. More bonus points if you pick that awesome country station from the first one.

3. Visit a Strip Club

Most things in GTA will get you killed or arrested if you are dumb enough to try them in real life. Hanging out in a seedy strip club, however, will not. Bless our liberal hearts.

Of course, you’ve probably set aside all your guilt-free disposable income for your GTA IV pre-order, as well as snacks and beverages to keep you sustained for the next week while you’re rooted to the couch. So why not head on down to your local strip club with a bunch of monopoly money bulging from your pockets, a cigar hanging from your gaping and drooling mouth, and pretend like you're some kind of hard-nosed gangster? You’ll feel cool, and it’ll give you some point of relation when you finally get round to playing GTA IV.

For Bonus Points: Take a 360 or PS3 joypad with you. And you'll get a virtual achievement for getting someone to ask: "Is that a joystick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Just try and remember that touching the girls or acting like a twat in general is the quickest way to find yourself in lots of pain and in the gutter.

4. Get in Character

While there’s a lot of external stuff you can do to build excitement for the game, at some point you’ll have to turn inwards to truly absorb the meaning of a new GTA title. If you haven’t done so already, dive into the internet to catch up on all the trailers and previews to glean some information about main character Niko. Learn everything you can about him, from the way he walks to his most subtle mannerisms.

And then, become Niko. Freak your flatmates out by strutting around with a world-weary look on your face, all the while stating that ‘things will be different here’. Take your mate’s car without telling him and crash it into power pole. Whenever a friend rings your cell, ask if they have any jobs for you. Invite someone out in the middle of the day to get absolutely trashed, and then stumble around like a maniac. It doesn’t matter how many people you alienate – it’s all about getting into the right frame of mind!

For Bonus Points: Go to Russia and spend a few years learning the ways of the criminal underground – none of this ‘watch a movie’ nonsense. Then come back – but only if a family member says they need help.

5. Play through the Whole Series

Of course, if you’re the lazy sort who can’t be bothered leaving the house even for a strip club or a trip to Russia, why not play through every game in the series? If you start now, there’s probably still time to cram them all in before GTA IV is released, assuming you don’t need to work or have any sort of life. Plus it’ll probably get you into less trouble than most of the above.

Just remember – no skipping out on the first few games. The series did not start with Grand Theft Auto III, even if some of you were too young for these games when the franchise was birthed.

For Bonus Points: Play through the series blindfolded. C’mon, you’d probably be able to, you utter nutcase.

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