Rumour Monkey #5

Monkey's back, and within his rumours he is packing more heat than a hot mexican lunch plate.

Yes he's back.

With more ringworm and lice than ever before, and ready to shoot the sh*t when it comes to gaming rumours. But his arrival to yours truly didn't go without incident!

See the NZG management, whilst sitting on their thinking chair, blatantly defied advice from former master Dan Ohs who suggested that monkey get a full escort across Christchurch. So instead they hired a Mongolian boy for 15 cents to send him across town, and while crossing Manchester Street, monkey escaped his cardboard box and ran to the nearest brothel.

The next morning I received a phone call to state that an Animal with my name tagged on to its neck was sitting at the SPCA ready to be picked up but had a case of serious lithium poisoning, so being weary of phone fraudsters I rang former master Dan Ohs to see if the delivery of monkey was going to plan. No answer at the Ohs residence. I then proceeded to drive around to Dan's place to pick monkey up personally, and all I found was charred remains of a house, and a flag resembling a monkey beating a gopher, as well as flyers stating some pseudo-fascist anti-gopher propaganda.

In the end though, monkey was safely brought to my residence along with his rusty typewriter, and was made to pay for his insolence by cleaning the local effluent ponds on minimum wage, which allowed NZG staff to afford to attend Armageddon. No such word has been heard from the Mongolian boy yet, or Dan Ohs for that matter!

Rumour: Metal Gear Solid 4 will be revealed at E3.

Background Info: While Konami confirmed the existence of a fourth Metal Gear Solid game last November, it has not said when the public will first catch a glimpse of Solid Snake's latest adventure. However, the UK version of OP2M says that the first footage of the game will be unveiled during the grand finale of Sony's PlayStation 3 press conference at E3 on May 16.

Monkey Says: This would continue a Konami trend, since Konami gave the world its first glimpse of Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater in 2003, one year before its release. If Metal Gear Solid 4 is a launch title for the PlayStation 3, it will likely come out in 2006, when the console is expected to debut. However, a 2006 launch for MGS4 would break with the traditional three-year interval between Metal Gear games.

Monkeys Confidence: 6/10 Bananas - The proof will be in the pudding, or whatever substance is passed around at E3.

Rumour: Rugby League 2 will not be initially released on Xbox.

Background Info: Some phone line tapping by monkey in a unmarked hippy van before being transported to his new master provided some rough information for this rumour, but monkey found out more during his recent bid at freedom.

Monkey Says: Well amongst exploring red light districts and executing plans of global domination, I stumbled across some game played on a rectangle oval. In a bid to consume free alcohol I came across a VIP suite containing delegates, speaking of the fact that Xbox is not sponsoring the NRL this year, and that Sony are through the PS2, thus pushing the issue that because of sponsorship issues, the game will be denied initial release on Xbox. This is a confusing decision, as a very sizeable part of the market will miss out on what promises to be a great homegrown title, but Monkey won't rule out a release further down the line.

Monkeys Confidence: 7/10 - Sony are trying to take over the world, and you better believe it.

Rumour: Xbox 2 to be unveiled in MTV special

Background Info: With flurries of news reports flying around the web about the consoles release, Microsoft have reportedly struck a deal with MTV for them to showcase the console in a special presentation. How does this relate to us New Zealanders though?

Monkey Says: MTV? Isn't that supposed to stand for Music Television? When was the last time they gave two hoots about music? All they care about now is showing some gangster with too much money around cars, and other famous people with spare time. Oh right the rumour. It wouldn't surprise me if Microsoft had brokered a deal to get mainstream attention for the console, as it sets out to revolutionise gaming and this would be a vehicle to get it popular with it's target demographic. As for showing it in NZ, this must happen, as Xbox plays a far bigger advertising role than any other console, and what better station to show it on than C4? They recently ran their top 40 show at the Rugby 2005 unveiling, so they must be interested in securing a coup like this.

Monkeys Confidence: 10/10 - Will MTV ever play music?. That would make a rumour.

Rumour: The Nintendo Revolution console will be on full display at E3.

Background Info: Now loyal RM readers will know that not a column goes by without a Revolution rumour, and this isn't any different.

Monkey Says: Now I've told you before Nintendo fan-boys, please don't send me mail stating more Revolution news, if I had a penny for every piece of mail I had about this I'd have a sh*tload of pennies. Anyway Nintendo need to put the system, or part thereof, on show at E3. They can't afford to let the competition too far ahead of them otherwise their console will be left to wallow next to the Dreamcast, despite what bells and whistles it has. I don't care whether it's screenshots, videos, or the real thing but please Nintendo leave something for the fan boys to drool over, but not my E-Mail account.

Monkeys Confidence: 10/10 Do it for the Monkey Nintendo. As you know touching is good, don't make me demonstrate this to you.

Monkey Says: Now usually I end this here as by this time I have drunk too much moonshine, but since my re-capture I have been forced to be more friendly with the NZGamer staff. So make sure you go over to the NZGamer mailbag and hit them right in the sack, especially that Morgan, hit him extra hard for the monkey and pseudo-fascism!