Top 10 - Worst Console Names of All Time

By Liam O'Connor

The Top 10 is back again with Top 10 - Worst Console Names of All Time.

It’s tempting to make a ‘Top 10’ slightly self-indulgent. After all, I could personally use this column, which is only bestowed upon a staff member once in a blue moon, to dazzle you all with my taste in consoles, games, movies, books, or even flavoured carbonated beverages. But I won’t; not because I am in the mood to grant you all mercy, but simply because I think these columns are a good chance to expose people to the obscure.

And with all the talk about just how bad the name Wii is, why not take a moment to put everything into perspective. Hence, the theme of this week’s Top 10 will be the world’s worst console names: ever. Indeed, it was hard to narrow this list down to ten, simply because there are so many bad console names out there. Admittedly, many of these are the names of ‘clone’ consoles, but they’re still hilarious nonetheless. So without further ado, I present to you the Top 10 Worst Console Names of All Time.

10) Wonderswan. This actually holds the honour of being one of the only legitimate consoles to grace this list. It never made it out of Japan, but it would have been interesting to see how it would have sold in the West with a name like Wonderswan. Gunpei Yokoi, creator of the Game Boy, made a wonderful little handheld machine, but the name left even more to be desired than the Game Boy did.

9) Quasar Neon Boy. This was a Famicom clone that was built into the steering wheel. It came with 30 built-in games and a cartridge slot for Famicom games. It also came with a Zapper that looked like an Uzi. It’s actually tough to decide whether this is one of the worst console names ever or one of the best, but either way it makes Wii look like a stroke of genius.

8) Game Theory Admiral. This is a Game Boy Advance clone; conveniently it breaks down into the acronym GTA. Grand Theft Auto? I digress; this clone has one of the downright weirdest names ever. Game Theory Admiral? It’s almost as if you expect to get belted with a lecture of ludology by Sgt. Hartman: fun.

7) Voltmace. Another name that could be considered one of the coolest names ever, this is actually a legitimate console that was released in the early days of console gaming. It was released in 1978 in Europe and boasts a catalogue of 40 games that all appear to be programmed by the same person. It’s pretty rare to find one of these, maybe because the kooky name turned off the potential audience.

6) Super Beautiful. Yeah, the less said about this one the better. A crazy name for a Game Boy clone, it looks the same as the original it’s based on, but it boasts an even crazier name; a name so crazy that it can only be the product of turning to random pages in an English dictionary.

5) Top Guy. If you’re not laughing out loud by now, you have no soul. I mean really, could you imagine telling your friends that last night you stayed up to play with your Top Guy? A ridiculous name for another ‘clone’ system; suddenly Wii doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

4) Pyle. I think this one speaks for itself.

3) Wow Wow. Another name that could be considered rather cool, Wow Wow was the name of Taito’s console that was never released. It was demonstrated at the Tokyo expo, but never saw the light of day outside of market testing in Japan. If it did, it would have been one of the first consoles to offer downloadable content. Given the era of its intended release, maybe Wow Wow would have been rather apt.

2) Mega Duck. If you thought Wonderswan was bad, Mega Duck is worse. Mega Duck. Just say it. I mean, who the hell could have thought that Mega Duck was a good name for a system? Mega Duck. Mega Duck. Just saying it makes me feel stupid. Mega Duck: A stupid attempt at a handheld whose only claim to fame is appearing on lists like this.

1) Gamate. Pronounced “Gay Mate”; and you thought Top Guy was bad. Would you like to tell your friends that you stayed up all last night playing with your Gamate? No, I didn’t think so. A pathetic handheld with an even more pathetic name, the only good thing you can say about Gamate is that suddenly Wii seems ok.

So there you have it, 10 console names that prove that the fanboys on the internet who rant about how Wii is “the worst name ever” are either undereducated or simply masters of hyperbole. Because, as you have seen, there are certainly worse console names.

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