Yes. We’re going there. Before the world gets totally Trumped out, it’s time to take a serious look at five games that really need a Donald Trump skin. A serious look. There’ll be no name-calling, no alternative facts, no spelling China with a ‘G’, no comical misuse of “air” quotes, and no ending sentences with the word SAD.
True, putting Donald Trump in a video game isn’t an original idea. Even before he was sworn in as president, there were a few indie games floating around featuring the man who was destined to become the leader of the free world. The Totally Accurate Battle Simulator (TABS) alpha, Surgeon Simulator DLC, and of course the classic Mr. President. While all were various levels of awesome, none had the class or quality required to be part of the Trump brand.
But, before we get into the list proper, here are five games that didn’t make it. Games that Trump shouldn’t be in because it would be mean, unfair, and perhaps libellous.
Leisure Suit Larry - Just because titular character Larry is a strangely-proportioned lecherous creeper doesn't mean that Donald Trump should be in the game. Boobs or no boobs. Trump is totally mature and completely respectful of women now.
Metro: Last Light - A post apocalyptic Russia, a broken and grey world with Nazi factions rising from the ashes. It would be unrealistic for Trump to be found in such a setting. After the apocalypse he’ll be in America, leading the fascist underground faction there. Putin would still be in charge of Russia.
Red Dead Redemption - Firstly, why would Trump ever sit on a horse? Secondly, why would he ever ride a horse to Mexico? Thirdly, if he was in the game no-one else would ever win a round of Liar’s Dice. I think we know why.
Family Guy: Return to the Multiverse - As well as fighting the Amish, pirates, and space chickens, in this inappropriately hilarious Family Guy game you also go to Crippletown to fight people with disabilities. I have no idea how Trump feels about the Amish, pirates, and space chickens.
Donald Trump PGA Tour 2017 - I know EA Sports have been scratching for a face for their golf games since Tiger stopped playing. But, no. Just no.
So, having dealt with the games that don’t deserve the Trump presence, here are five games deemed Trump-worthy. A list based on facts. No speculation, exaggeration, or bias. Just games that allow you to do things Trump has done, things he has said he’s done, or things he has said he is going to do.
Of course. Donald Trump can build a wall. He can spend the next four years building all the walls he wants. He can build a wall from one side of the world to the other. He can build his own tunnels under the wall, and ladders over it. He can build a house on top of it and go live there on his awesome, amazing wall-house. Forever.
Too easy. Also, both too real and bizarrely nightmarish.
While Donald Trump would never ride a horse to Mexico, he would ride a helicopter. Especially a helicopter that’s part of an international private police force tasked with taking out every drug cartel, building, vehicle, and Mexican, in Mexico. Spoiler. A main character, an important member of the team, ends up being the main bad guy. An evil, murdering, machiavellian, criminal monster. But, we can’t read anything into that.
Okay. I’ll describe the plot of the game and then everyone else can decide why it might be on this list. An international celebrity is visiting a middle eastern country when some terrorists steal a valuable, jewel encrusted skull. So he gets a few friends, a lot of guns, and kills everybody. All while listening to rap music and being very insulting.
Limousines, hotels, and private planes. Trump can hang out in his winter White House in Florida, playing golf with hookers. He can shoot people in the middle of Fifth Avenue. Work with the Russians. Kill illegal aliens, and actual aliens. Dress in a police uniform, and put a stop to the drug dealing, poverty, unemployment, and carnage on the streets of Chicago, Los Angeles, and New York. Then he can become the President of the World.
There they are. The five games that really deserve a Trump skin. Five games. Without a hint of lefty politics, sarcasm, or spite. Unbiased journalism gold. SAD? Not!