The Host of Chaos's Blogs

9.12 AM, Monday 23rd March, 2009.

For everyone else this was probably just like any other minute of any other day. But for me it was the minute that changed everything. That was the minute my baby daughter was born.

My girlfriend did not have the easiest pregnancy. The usual morning sickness, fatigue and irritability were to be expected but during a routine ultrasound a condition was identified that could have deadly consequences for both mother and child should she go in to labour. Three weeks before the baby’s due date we met with specialists who decided the baby would be born in one week’s time, by caesarean section. We were made aware of the seriousness of the condition and also of the fact that there was a very real possibility that one or even both of them might not be coming home again.

Thankfully, due to the expert skills of a team of specialists, the best case scenario became a reality. Hearing that first little squawk and seeing the look of amazement on my partners face give way to tears of joy washed away all the fear I had been holding on to for the past week as the knot in my stomach became a lump in my throat. Seeing our little baby – a girl! - was such an emotional moment and I’m sorry, but I just don’t have the words to describe it.

After the chaos had died down and my partner settled in to her private room I had time to hold my little girl in my hands and look at her, really look at her. Dozens of questions filled my mind – what should we name her, what colour will her eyes be, who does she take after, what sort of person would she grow up to be, what sort of parents would we be, how would we cope emotionally, financially and even physically? So many questions swirling around in the old grey matter. Big, important questions.

Then my gamer brain kicked in.

I’m going to have to tidy up my console in a pretty major way. Everything is in easy reach of a crawling tot and even worse than the risk of a damaged console from a bit of baby drool is that of electrocution. I’m going to have to do some serious child proofing around the house and that is going to cost money, a whole sack load of money, money I would normally spend on gaming.

How many games will I be able to afford? Will I be able to afford games at all? How much gaming will I get to do? Will I still get to play the Grand Theft Autos, the God of Wars, the Resident Evils? Will I have to hide the restricted games, away from little hands and eyes? Or are they totally off limits now? What if my daughter grows up to be a gamer herself? What do I tell her when she wants to play a restricted game? Do I let her? Do I not? Do I think, “Well I turned out ok” and play them with her, guiding her, helping her make good, healthy decisions? Or do I think “they’re restricted for a reason,” and ban them outright? How do I teach her the difference between reality and the fictional world of video games?

Then I started thinking of the impact that gaming had on my childhood? I still remember the first time Dad took me to the local arcade at the age of 4. I instantly fell in love with the place and videogames became a lifelong passion. I can still go back to those old games and relive some of the magic. These days though gaming is as much a part of everyday life as music or TV. Can they still fill a young mind with the sense of wonder that I felt 25 years ago?

Will there be an equivalent to the first time I played a game in honest to goodness 3D? What technological advancements will she see in her life-time? Will VR be fully realized or will there be some other huge leap or will the industry plateau and stagnate offering nothing new apart from slightly better looking updates to existing franchises?

Will she want to play with her Dad? I know I would have loved it if my Mum or Dad had joined in. Or will she look down on it as a waste of time? What if she thinks I’m a loser for investing so much money and time on what basically boils down to living in a fantasy world? What if-

But then my baby daughter squeezes my finger tightly in her tiny fist and I come back to the here and now. Looking again into her silver-blue eyes I realise that she is still only a few hours old and there are years ahead of us both, for me to love, protect and raise her to be an intelligent, caring human being and for her to just be a kid discovering life’s many little quirks and mysteries along the way.

It’s only early days now. My daughter is only one day old at the time of writing this. I don’t know what the long-term impact on my life as a gamer will be as I now enter parenthood. I still have months, even years to come up with these elusive answers and to just enjoy her childhood. And even more importantly, ensure that she does too.